sundays.

sundays seem to be my reflective days. well, they are at least more reflective than others i suppose. perhaps, it is because it is a day purposed for worship, community, sharing in the Word and breaking bread. there is just something about Jesus that gets me a-thinkin' and a-reflectin'. true story. i think it has something to do with the fact that i feel most loved on sundays. it is when i remind myself of my how i have been saved. and redeemed. and while i should very well be doing so each and every day, it doesn't always set in until the sabbath rolls around.

with that said, i have been thinking and feeling (yup, i can do both) a lot today.

it has just been one of those days where reality hits. and when i am reminded of my status. (in more ways than one). with such a reminder, comes a torrent of emotion and thought in both the positive and negative forms. an assault of questions really. and not just any questions, but life-questions, unanswered questions, and well, tough questions. you know the ones. they linger. they get asked over and over again. you ask. they ask. they are those questions with whom you have a love-hate relationship. ones you secretly hope will either be answered for you or you can forget and never be asked again. but then you get smacked in the face by reality and realize that they never go away and forever go unanswered. well, damn. and while i think it slightly inappropriate to use such a word on my blog and on sunday nonetheless, it is quite honestly how i feel about those questions...

and all the while i recognize that nature of said questions, i can't help but attempt to answer them. you know, try to plan, to predict, to figure it all about and remain in control. or you pretend like you have all the answers, that you have it all figured out, or that you have a plan. i do that. all to often really. i don't like to admit that i am not in control. or that i don't have a plan. or that my plan did not go accordingly. oh no. not me. no, no. i have a plan people. i am in control. i know how i am going to get from a to z. oh yes.

SMACK.

"jeffrey, you are silly. relax. stop being so prideful. you are not in control. I am. duh. why you trippin'? i gotcha. fret not my young lad. surrender. be content in the unknown. delight in the mystery. and be patient. and trust ME. i know the plans for you my son, plans to give you a future and a hope. calmate hijo!" - Jesus

sometimes i need to be smacked. often times really. i get all worked up. all worried and frazzled. all sorts of beside myself and i forget about the big picture and i forget that i am (as my friend Leslie signs every e-mail) in HIS grip. but on sundays, i remember, and it calms me. why? because i am in a place of surrender, or trust, faith and hope. now, if i could get myself in that sweet spot every day, i would be golden. any thoughts on how to actually do that would be MUCH appreciated oh you faithful readers you.

so i turn in tonight hoping that tomorrow brings with is some peace. and some clarity. and some faith. and i suppose if i can't muster up any of that, at least i can pray and try again the next day. and perhaps the day after that. and so on and so forth.