on the other side.

confession: i have always secretly wanted to be a model. but i thought, i didn't have it in me. so i become a photographer instead so i don't ever get on the other side of the lens and have no pics of myself. then there was ashley lacosse. an amazing and incredibly talented photograph from brooks...we did a shoot yesterday at a vintage, abandoned cafe. it was so much fun. and really, i liked modeling. it was fun. and well, different. and i love making new friends. so it was a good day. AND then, i got the images from ash, and i am even more excited. here are a few favs.

cha-cha-changes.

Change. A noun or a verb.

verb
1. to become different, or make something or somebody different
2. to exchange, substitute, or replace something

noun
1. a different, clean, or fresh set of something, especially clothes
2. variance from a routine or pattern, especially a welcome one
3. a shift from one state, stage, or phase to another

I am the type of person who generally invites, embraces, and even elicits change. If things are stagnant or boring or same-ol-same-ol, I get all sorts of antsy and frustrated. So often I find myself looking for and expecting changes when I come back home from long stints of time away. I without fail find myself scouring the house for new additions, new paint, new décor, or different furniture arrangements, only to find the everything is just the same as it was when I left months ago. Initially, I am disappointed by this because I long for newness and freshness and, change.

I find it ironic, however, that one of the things that I love and appreciate about home is its consistency. I love that we have had the same neighbors for years, that the tap-water is always cold and crisp, that my mother still uses the same laundry detergent she always has. And if any of these things were to change, I would hate it. My world would be flipped upside down. Things would just not be the same. It is this type of change I shy away from. But are the two really that different? How can one reconcile the itch for change with the desire for sameness. What change is good, normal and healthy? What change isn’t? And how does we deal with it? The good and the welcomed, the feared and despised?

I love when someone or something becomes different—that is when they become better, deeper, smarted more of who they are. But then there is that icky sort of change when someone “just isn’t the same as they used to be” in a bad way. You know, when you see a friend from high school who went off the deep end so to speak. Or worse, those people who haven’t changed at all, haven’t matured, or change their haircut. What a perplexing and sometimes frustrating dichotomy.

I am in the middle of a huge season of change and I definitely have a love-hate relationship with the times. Times of uncertainty, anxiety, fear, loneliness, angst juxtaposed against times of excitement, thrill, adventure, newness, freshness, and of celebration. This can be phrased simply: college graduation. Talk about a change…my goodness. I went from living in a dorm, studying every day, sharing meals with friends three times a day, seeing my besties on a daily if not hourly basis, vacationing for weeks at a time multiples times a year, dining out, enjoying the whims and adventures of college life to living on my own, cooking my own food, paying all my own bills, negotiating a job salary, saying goodbye to beloved and cherished friends, not seeing them ever day, not living in an intentional, residential community, not being a student. I am a real-live adult. Self-sustained. Employed. All sorts of grow-up and um, responsible. At least that is that I supposed to be—so I am told. And part of me is thrilled about that and the other part of me, wants to run back to the safely, security, comfort and familiarity of Westmont and of Home. I don’t particularly want to grow-up, to become the dreaded…adult. But reality has arrived. And here I am.

I am living on my own in Santa Barbara. I have a wonderful job—my first real job. And I have my own photography business to boot. I am doing the thing. And really, I am quite terrified. I have no idea how I am going to pay the bills, how I am going to survive life without all my friends right beside me, how I am going to deal with having to earn my vacation hours. I haven’t a clue how I am going to maintain relationships, if I am going to feel connected and rooted in community, or how I am going to feed and sustain my love of learning and of academics. But here I am. I trust that some way and some how, God will sustain me and use me during this season, this phase, in this moment.

All and all, I am blessed to be where I am at. I am so thankful for my education—and for my degree—and for the people who made it all possible for me. I get to live in the city that I love, with three of my best friends, and get to do so many things that I am passionate about. Wow, this is pretty damn cool.

My status…

Degree: Bachelor of Arts in Communication Studies, Westmont College

Employment: Executive and Marketing Assistant, Eye of the Day Garden Design Center, Carpinteria, California

Residence: Country Club Apartments, Santa Barbara, California

so it is official: i have a communication studies degree from westmont college. i am simply thrilled to be done with my undergrad work. it was a long, hard, and tiring four years. but i loved it. i learned a ton and got to grow alongside some amazing and incredible people. i am going to miss westmont and the people there. ugh. but i am looking forward to a change and a new pace of life. wooo. thanks everyone who has supported me over the year. i love you dearly. more reflections to come soon....