tunnel vision.

many of you know i spent the last few months working and travelling around california. it was an awesome time to connect with friends and clients alike and to begin building relationships with people beyond my santa barbara network. and it afforded me the freedom to take on some projects i would not have otherwise been able to and i found myself strengthening some of my long-time friendships along the way. and i learned a ton to boot.

one of the things that has been on the forefront of my heart and mind as of late has been the importance of connection. (you might remember a post a made a few weeks about actively seeking out a point of connection with the people around you). and well, i have a few more thoughts to share with you about maintaining those connections--those relationships--that we form.

so often i find myself caught up in all my busy-ness--in the everydayness of my life. you know, the phone calls and e-mails, chores and errands, naps and dinner dates, editing and shooting, blah, blah, blah. and i get so busy that tunnel vision sets in, and i find myself feeling alone and isolated. and then i feel guilty for being a crappy friend and for neglecting to be intentional in the lives of the people around me. i hate that, and i realize that there is a choice to be made here. intentionality and staying connected is a choice, and it takes work and commitment, effort and strategy. but most importantly, it takes time. in order to maintain healthy, enriching, relationships, we have to be willing to make room enough for them in our schedules. and this goes for any type of relationship. and of course, the time we commit to any give relationship is contingent on it's importance and value to us or our businesses and of course, that the other party needs and expects from us. every healthy relationship should maintain reciprocity--balance and quality in the relationship. you call me, i call you. i visit you, you visit me. now, this is not something we have to tally on a sticky note but rather something we can activity choose to bring to our relationships from our end. do you have that photographer who always sends you encouraging e-mails about your work, yet you never write back? how about that friend who always calls you but you fail to call her back? or that relative you hardly visit?

beyond reciprocity...relationship requires presence. here's what i mean by that. it requires that we be there. we need to be a actively engaged in what our friends, colleagues and clients are doing if we want to maintain connectivity. there is something so powerful about taking the time and energy to pay attention to what someone is doing and then asking them about it. and in today's world of social media this is far easier and accessible than ever. i can't tell you how much it means to me when someone takes the time to read my blog and leave a comment or when a friend calls to just say hi. yet so often i neglect to do that same. but if we want to maintain healthy connectivity we must engage.

further, we can learn from our own disappointments and make choices to improve upon the ways in which we feel neglected by others. one of my pet-peeves is when people simply don't respond to me. i feel burned every time. and sometimes it legitimately hurts and other times it's just frustrating and annoying. so i work hard at not doing the same to others and never want to get into the habit of ignoring or neglecting people. sure, when i'm busy, my response time is slower, but i always try to respond in some capacity in a timely manner. even if it's just a "hey, i'm super busy, but i love you and will write or call soon". especially with my nearest and dearest. if i'm committed to a maintaining a solid friendship, i have to make the time and put forth the effort to stay connected. and really, i think when people say "i'm bad at keeping in touch," it's just an excuse and that's no bueno.

my friend and personal/professional coach, michele, invites us to be ruthless with our rationalizations: "being ruthless looks like refusing to excuse your tardiness one more time by saying you’ve been running late all your life. the same with other unattractive habits—sarcasm, white lies, forgetfulness. these are not genetic flaws, you were not brought up that way, and you don’t have to do it anymore.

are you terrible at returning phone calls? whether it’s because you never have time, you’re just busy, you never answer the phone when you are with another person, or you think that if people really need to talk to you then they’ll keep calling?

when you mentally give yourself a pass every time (“hey, that’s me. that’s how I roll”), then understand that you are practicing a form of “the lie of exceptionism”. the lie of exceptionism is when we take our own comfort too far. it’s when we believe that we are the exception to the rule of how people should behave, and that the rules which apply to others don’t apply to us because for us to change would be to contradict the deepest, truest and most essential part of our inmost being. When we think that to change would mean that we would cease to be our most genuine self and thus would betray everything we have been working so hard to discover and evolve into.

one person who who i think stays connected particularly well is wedding photographer jasmine star. she's responded to every e-mail or facebook post i've sent her with a personal, authentic response. and i know i'm not alone, she responds to the hundreds of comments she gets on her facebook page. sure, it's short and brief, but it's sweet and heartfelt. and every time she writes back, i'm stoked and i feel like she cares about me. and i know she really does. and when you're talking to jasmine in person, you feel like you're the only one in the room. she is present and engaged and she's intentional. sure she has an uncanny ability to remember people and details about them, but she works at it. she invests time and energy into connecting and staying connected and to building and maintaining healthy relationships with her friends, family, colleagues and clients alike and her brand, client experience, and life is exponentially bolstered by it. i'm quite sure of it.

so i invite you to be strategic and intentional about how you strengthen those new connections and maintain and deepen your existing relationships. it's worth the time and energy and will prove to enrich your life and the lives of those around you in a surprising way. pick up the phone and call your friend. or stop by and visit your grandma. today. and tomorrow.

post-grad wanderings.

yesterday i had a wonderful conversation over lunch with my friend robyn. not only was in great to catch up, but i quite enjoyed our discussion about post-graduate life and about my recent blog post about our someday culture. i love a good discussion. so alas, here are a few more musings for you on a similar topic...

us recent grads are in a funny place, especially those of us who hail from the likes of westmont college. many of us find ourselves freaking out about our current state in life and trying so desperately to be content in our wanderings. we want to be changing the world straight away and get our dream jobs "fresh out the oven." we secretly want to be successful and to be written about in various westmont publications. we feel this pressure to have all our ish together and to have our lives figured out.

this is silly of course. and unrealistic. we are young and need to ease up on ourselves and be content in our current state. i think we need to embrace that fact that we are in transition and don't have it all figured out. and shouldn't. trial and error is normal and natural. we can't expect our dream job to be right around the corner. we don't have to. we can risk. we can be adventurous. we can do things we've always wanted to do. even if it's just for a season, as least we're living and dreaming and learning along the way.

i sense that many of us have an overwhelming desire to be content and to enjoy the present. but we don't know how. we are too gripped by the tyranny of urgency, practicality and fear. and of course, like i said in my "someday" post, this doesn't mean we get all crazy and wild with our decisions. but i do think we need to begin to change our mindsets and allow ourselves to risk a little bit. if you wanna start your photography business, do it. if you want to move to mexico and teach english, teach. if you wanna travel through europe before you settle into a job, travel. if you wanna go to africa just to go to africa and see what it's all about, go. if you want to learn how to make leather shoes, learn.

i think there is great potential here to learn and be challenged, to grow and fine-tune ourselves, and to become more of who we're called to be. does anyone else resonate with this? i would love to have ourselves a cyber-discussion if y'all are willing. feel free to post some thoughts below...

someday.

i am a someday-er. someday i'll get a gym membership. someday i'll go to africa. someday i'll visit amber and chris in austrailia. someday i'll take a typography class. someday i'll get a master's degree. someday i'll start do more design work. someday. someday. someday.

and i know i'm not alone. we are a someday-generation. or perhaps a someday-culture. i hear and see it all over the place. someday i'll retire and travel the world. someday we will have kids. someday i'll find a job i actually like. i think this my be problematic on many levels. this mentality lends itself to complacency and an unhealthy perspective on the future. it puts us in a sort of survival mode and causes us to neglect the here and the now, the present. it prevents us from being content in our everydayness.

now, i do realise that we can't do everything we want to do straight away. we can't "get crazy" and start running off to foreign lands and buying houses and such. but i do think we can change our mind-sets to value, cherish and live in the present and to no longer look to tomorrow as though it will make all our dreams come true. what if we found peace in our present-ness and starting leaving as though our someday was today? i wonder how that would change our morale, our restlessness, our discontent.

of course, there is something comforting about being able to hope in the future. hope for relief, hope for a better tomorrow, hope for change and growth and forward movement. so yes, our someday mentality can be a source of peace and comfort when the going gets rough in the present. i think that if many of us didn't have such hope, the heres and the nows of today would be all too gloomy and terrifying to confront. so in some ways, we must look toward tomorrow and find joy in the reality that there will indeed be a better day...

what are some of your "somedays" that you would like to turn into "todays"? how can you be intentional and proactive in living in the present and being content in your everydayness?

but for a moment.

lately, i've been sitting at my desk too much. or i just piddle around the house. i get comfy in my sweats and hoodie and often find myself needing to be dragged out into the fresh air. and lucky for me, i have wonderful friends who do said dragging.

yesterday my friend mark inviting me to go hiking with him. i almost said no since i was all sorts of cozy in my house and was about to sit down to read a good book. but i resisted my lame-ness, and joined him. we had a wonderful conversation along the trail and we admitted that we don't do this enough. we live in one of the most beautiful cities in california and all too often we neglect to take advantage of all that it is. and when we do, we find ourselves doing the same thing over and over. epic fail.

i am glad that we didn't do the usual yesterday and that we forced myself out of the house. i quite enjoyed myself, and it was so good to be in nature, to sit and look out over santa barbara, to breathe in the fresh mountain air, and to simply be, even but for a moment.

what do you do to get out? to remove yourself from the everydayness of life? to simply be?

although i was tempted to bring my camera, i decided not to. it was good for me. but since all posts are better with photos. here is a shot from one of my favorite places in the world: the gaviota coast, just north of santa barbara.

crowley love.

sometimes i get too used to what's around me. so much that i look past, over, through and beyond that which is so unique, interesting and often profound within that space. i don't appreciate. or see the potential. or slow down enough to experience. i ignore. skip over. and i become all too comfy.

but when i get some distance from the every-dayness or from the familiar, i gain new clarity and i begin to notice potential and see the situation, place, relationship or person in a new light. i like this process. it's good, and it's healthy. and more often than not, it leads to something even better, and i find myself content, inspired and refreshed. but in order to complete the process, i have to come back. i have to come home. i have to confront it, deal with it, and move forward. such is life. it's hard but it's good. i just know it.

crowley often becomes that thing for me. i forget what i love about it. i blaze past the beauty and head straight for the familiar comforts of home. and i don't push myself out of the proverbial box, outside of those comforts. i drink from that same red cup, i sleep on the same side of my bed, i spend far too much time in the green chair. of course, this is all fine and dandy, but alas, there is more...more to love, more to experience, to notice, to taste and see and of course more to photograph.

this weekend i experienced more of crowley, and i quite liked it. i did a family photo shoot and senior photo shoot there this weekend and i forced myself to shoot in new locations. and to find them on the fly and to notice something different and unique. and i found awesome spots all within five minutes from my house (most of which were on my street). and now i have a deeper appreciation for juniper drive and for crowley. it now has photo-shoot worthy status for me. before it was just normal, boring and uninspired. until i looked at it differently and gave it some love. yay for crowley lake. now, i can't wait to shoot here again. who's next?

*photos from this weekend's photographic wanderings are to come in the next few days... :)

go.

so often i stay. i stop. i get caught up in the everydayness of life. i do the same thing day-in, day-out. i shop the same aisles at trader joes. i eat the same thing for breakfast every morning. i pull clothes from the same section of my closet. while routine can be legit, helpful and comforting, at times it becomes a complete bore. lame, i tell you. i am tired of staying. i want to go. too.

it's kind of like my dog, bodie. "bodie, sit! lay down. and stay! good boy..." but all the while, that sweet pup was on the verge of leaping up and sprinting excitedly toward me with all his might. i could tell him to stay all i wanted, but at some point he would give-in and come over for some lovin' be it pets or a cookie. and i couldn't resist that sweet, puppy-dog face. or like when i'd play dummy with him. "sit. wait. wait.....GO! hunt it up!!!" and then he'd be off with the speed of a mongoosel. he'd trot back with an air of accomplishment about him and spit that slobbery, dirty thing at my feet and sit by my side waiting a chance to do it all over again. he loved it. the moment when i said, "where's your dummy? hunt it up," and he would instantly start FRAeaking out and getting all sorts of ecstatic over it, beating me with his tail on the way to the door. he loved it. the moment when he sat down beside me and anxiously watched the dummy sail throw the air it talking of him not to just starting running down the dirt road. the moment when he heard "go! hunt it up" and began sprinting down the hill. or the moment where he got to show you what he fetched as if you didn't already know what it was. he was a happy-dawg in those moments. and always, really. but he had to both stay and go. sit and run. wait and hunt it up. and he learned to be content doing either. i loved that about bodie. and i think i have something to learn from him though he may just be a dog, a pet that has a uncanny proclivity for contentedness, loyalty, and friendship.

i need to learn how to stay well, and go well. be content doing and not-doing. be at ease waiting and pursing.

but today, i want to learn how to go well. have y'all seen that movie "Yes Man?" (if you haven't, you should). but for those of you who have: remember the part of the film where Carl & Allison go to the airport and simply take the next flight available to wherever it may be? which just so happened to be to lincoln, nebraska. haha. not exactly a destination resort to be sure. but they had a blast. they went. they lived. they were spontaneous. i liked that. and as i watched, i found myself wanting to be more like them because i realize that so much of the sweetest moments in live are the unplanned, spontaneous ones. the random adventures. in the greasy spoons. or out on the road in the middle of nowhere.

i am tired of staying, sick of the routine. so i will go. not sure where i am going exactly. but i do crave an adventure. nothing grand or crazy, exotic or foreign, extravagant or expensive. nope. something simple, basic, easy. and with good friends of course. a road trip to unknown towns and across unfamiliar pavement. where time allows for the in between, the discovery, and the spontaneity i so desire. perhaps its the male in me. or the american in me. or the human in me. but i long to see new things, meet new people, create new memories. so i am going. soon. anyone care to join? where shall we go?

i'm serious.
for real.
stay tuned.

restoration.

we ruin things. we trample, break, destroy, pollute, uproot, take-over, neglect, disregard. us humans tend to do this all too often to the things that we should rather care for, nurture, water, protect, and restore. i am primarily talking about the earth but i think we tend to do the same to each other, our own peoples. we destroy dreams with cutting words. we disregard insecurities with insults. we pollute our minds with worthless and often lethal images and information. we neglect the widows and orphans in distress and fail to care for and nurture our children in ways that empower them. we allow the things of this world to take over the pure perfection of who God is and taint our image of Him with our own ideas and notions.

this is all very problematic for the life of our people and our planet. we can so clearly see the effects of this careless-ness, this disregard, this pollution. we all need to be made aware of the problems in our midst and actively choose to do something about it, to change our ways and seek to protect and nourish, and till the soil for future generation. we need to be good stewards of what God has given us. and i believe that applies to our environment and communities. it is important. and relevant to all of us.

i was reminded of this issue when i visited my cousin's nursery down in newport beach, ca. orange coast river park is a small facility that my cousin Emily Beck was hired to start from scratch. it is purposed to re-grow native plants and then re-plant, restore and revitalize the southern california coast. at the time of my last visit, all the plants were just seedlings, and as you can see, there has been quite a bit of growth since. wow. she and her team completed their first planting in the marshlands adjacent to the nursery a few months back and as a result after nearly a century, the area will be soon be re-opened to tidal waters. how cool is that? i am impressed. for more info, visit their facebook page here.




on a similar note, this week, i got the chance to hang out with a group of people who are also committed to restoration.



three incredibly talented singer/songwriters, brendan james, jason reeves & amber rubarth are on tour together traveling up the california coast on vespas. they are calling it Vespa Experiment and are actively seeking a lifestyle that promotes green-living. my friend josh newton is the official photographer for the tour, so amy, emily and i got the chance to hang out with the crew as they passed through santa barbara and hear more about their stories as artists. and of course, hear tales from the "experiment". we all even headed up to san luis obisbo last night to attend their show. ah. it was a pleasure to hear their music and get out of fire-y santa barbara. plus the company was quite fun (amy, emily & summer). we laughed. a lot.

springtime.

today i have been thinking. my mind has been wandering around, through, and over the notion of springtime. i suppose this is because it IS springtime and also because i have found my own life's season taking on the characteristics of spring. you know the new-ness. the re-birth. the new growth. the spring cleaning. the longer warmer days. it feels just wonderful. splendid really. i like this season.

i found myself all sorts of nourished, well rested, and ready to get out in the sun-shine after a long winter in hibernation so to speak. now hibernation is not just sleeping. it still takes work to, you know, say alive. the big scary berrs do it. and dem trees. it is no easy gig to make it through the winter. and so, like them, we too have winters in our lives. as i wrote here nearly seven months ago, i needed to go into port and get refueled and rejuvenated. to rest and simply be. this winter season was hard cold and difficult. i felt stagnant and frozen, brittle and lifeless. but it was necessary. and now, all of that hard work, those winter months in hibernation have done me well. i am now seeing the growth and fruits that come only because of the rest and pause of the winter. how cool is that? have y'all ever noticed how metaphors in nature can help you get your mind around an idea? or notion? i love it. us rhetors call this topoi. we go here to be inspired and to be instructed.

spring is fun. yup. i did some serious spring-cleaning and am seeing some fruit from the work during the winter months in the sierras. i got me a new website. a new and improved blog. new facebook & blog friends. a new pair of jeans. i got my herr did. i have new sb friends. and i am a happy-jeff and am full of life. i like the sun-shine.

and i am feeling incredibly blessed and loved. my friend david jay featured my new site in his newsletter and my other friend jasmine star gave me some serious love on her blog. i was blown away. first by the gesture and then by the response. for two of my favorite photographers and entrepreneurs to recognize me in that way was a huge, huge deal for me. i was speechless and simply giddy when my friend emily texted me and told me what jasmine did. and when dj asked if he could feature my site. i was like small child at christmas time, all sorts of wiggly and giddy. both of them have been a huge source of encouragement, inspiration, support and love in my life, and i am incredibly honored and blessed to call them friends. thanks you two!

errands.

today i went for a lil stroll down to victoria court to run some errands. it is just a few blocks from my house, so the brisk morning walk was quite lovely. and strangely enough i found myself entertained and amused along the way. ha. now, if you were with me you probably would not have found yourself particularly amused by the outing because what i noticed was seemingly boring and insignificant. i guess it was the post-observation thoughts and musings that brought a smile to my face and a hop to my step.

wigs. now, i suppose there are people in this world who need a wig for medical reasons or something. and i get that. i think locks of love is an awesome ministry. but really, how could wigs by alice survive in santa barbara? it makes me laugh every time i walk by the shop, yet i do admit i have been tempted to pop in a time or two.

as i passed by a bank on the left, i noticed a business man in distress about something that had soiled his suit. he was ferociously whipping his lapel to rid it of the evidence of an apparent dining mishap. sad day. i felt for the guy. i hate it when i soil my linens. the worst i tell you.

whist i was at the post office, i found myself surround by elderly women aplenty. i love grandmothers. they are hilarious. and i was pleasantly surprised that we all ventured out to the post office at the same time. one woman paced back and forth outside, peering in the open doorway as if she were unsure if it was the post office or not. finally, a man in burmuda shorts and a hawaiian shirt (no, i am not kidding), asked her if she was lost. she was indeed. "i am looking for the toilet," she explained. and then scurried off in a westward direction. i chuckled. then, the women behind me was all to close for comfort. indeed, my personal space was being violated, but i laughed and decided she was anxious to buy her stamps. too boot, when i first arrived, another women wanted to ensure that her package would arrive by the 18th but was not willing to pay the extra to deliver it express. so typical. and warranted. i didn't want to pay the extra ten bucks either when never seems to make a difference. it always takes days to reach the rural mountain-land i call home. all that happened in the ten minutes i was in line. haha.

i went to vons to get the not so healthy components of my diet. ice cream. and cereal. i have been on this whole granola and yogurt thing for a while. but i could not resist buying oh's when they were quite visibly on sale just for me. i even thought for a moment i would splurge and buy lucky charms. but i resisted the temptation. instead, i bought a far healthier cereal made from pure sugar. no big deal. i even bought some chapstick. yup. and some light bulbs because my room light when out last week and i finally remembered to get them. productive morning i know!

as i cruised up the sidewalk along chapala. i found myself trailing a trio of high schoolers. apparently black tights and pink is all the rage. i missed the memo. they were chatting it up and walking all too slowly for my pace, so i crossed the walk and blazed up the other side. only to notice a piece of blackened gum on the sidewalk in the shape of africa. strange. just the other day, there was a small pool of water in my sink that all to closely resembled africa. prophetic? perhaps... Jesus, are you telling me something?

all and all, quite an interesting (and perhaps prophetic) 20 minute outing to be sure. oh what a joy life is. ready for my deep and insightful reflection? i sure am. you see, life is like a box of...haha.

but really, how often do we go through life unaware of the small things? or neglect to reflect on the simplicities of life? how often to we allow for the unseen to remain in darkness? or the voiceless to remain without voice? do we allow time enough in our busy schedules to let our minds to wander, our feet to skip, our eyes to notices, our hands to feel? do we stop and sit on that park bench and listen to the birds even for but a moment? do we enjoy the process? the in-between? the present? or are we constantly trying to reach the end? get through the day? and on to the next?

let us remember, "this is our now. this is life that we have chosen?" - dr. greg spencer. let us be present. and aware. and let us notice that which goes unnoticed.

love well.

my friend michele defines heroism as loving well. i like that. and i adore her. she spoke in chapel at westmont on monday about being heroes in our relationships. her talk was profound and insightful. and timely. funny how someone who surrenders herself to being a mouthpiece for the Lord is used in a mighty and powerful way to speak truth and love that edifies and encourages the body.

i was moved by her words, musings and insights into relationship and the life of faith. moved to thought and wonder. and, at several points, tears. she spoke with conviction, grace, humility and elegance. and not only that, but she spoke to me and where i am it my life. how cool is that?

she spoke of the importance of being willing to be vulnerable with each other and allow ourselves to share the "innermost contortions of our souls" with each other. she encouraged us to think of our walks with Christ as not just a journey but, rather, as a collaborative expedition. she asked (and i paraphrase), who is looking for you when you go missing? and are you looking for those who go missing? are you willing to do all that you can to get others in front of Jesus? into the throne room? are you willing to go to all lengths to carry your friends when they need to be carried? and are you heroic enough to allow them to carry you?

as i reflected on her words and shared them with friends at bible study this morning, the lord impressed it upon my heart to read psalm 34. ah, it is such a beautiful passage of scripture. what stuck out to me most was verse 3. "glorify the Lord with me. let us exalt his name together." we are purposed for community. for relationship. and we are called to love well. we are called to be heroes in each others' lives and to get our friends in front of jesus. what a profound calling. and one that we should not take lightly, but rather should be intentional about fulfilling.

thank you michele, for being a hero in my life. thank you for getting me in front of jesus. for calling out the best in me. for being willing to search for me when i go missing. and for loving me well. i would not be the same person i am today if it weren't for your constant encouragement, wisdom, prayers, insights, and words. thank you for collaborating with me in this expedition of faith. you have had a profound impact on my life, and i am so grateful for and blessed by you. thank you for allowing the Lord to speak through you this week and for sharing your heart with the body of christ.

(be sure to listen to her talk here).

love (and go) well my friends....

green.

wednesday, february 18th was a day of green for me. and some brown too. in other words, i spent the afternoon frolicking through the foliage and muddied landscape of the butterfly refuge. it is my new favorite place. the butterflies fly. a mass exodus of sorts. and then perch themselves high above the soil clinging softly to the branches of eucalyptus. tis a fascinating process. i very much enjoy the butterfly. so cute. so delicate. so incredibly, well, incredible. so i watched them flutter about their merry way and of course snapped a few shutters of the butters. love em.

then, i wandered about the refuge. through the groves. across the meadow. down the cliffs. my eyes wide. my voice quieted. my ears in-tune. my camera in hand. i wandered and i noticed. have you ever just stopped and tripped out looking at and thinking about the simple intricacies of a flower? or per chance, marveled at how the soil texturizes when it dries or wets? have you ever watched a lil bur-dah (said like bambi, anyone?) frolic about the fields of grass? do it. it is mind blowing. and relaxing, i tell you. i felt much like a small boy again. you know, tapping into that knack for adventure and discovery. for exploration. mmm. and then you pair that with a creative spirit and you are bound to come up with something cool. worked for me anyway. ;)

now, i would love to show you all of my photographic musings from my afternoon with the butterflies and fields o' grass. but, i can't. sorry. you see, these photos are part of a fine art collection purposed for the new luxury units at the montecito inn. i can't very well spoil your dinner, now can i? so you will have to wait. and come see them for yourselves at the grand opening in march (details to come soon). and of course, i will give you a insider look here on da blog soon thereafter.

also, i will have something else oh so green to show you soon. very soon. i know. i am kind of annoying with all the mystery these days. deal with it. ha. as they say, it is worth the wait. fret not.

sundays.

sundays seem to be my reflective days. well, they are at least more reflective than others i suppose. perhaps, it is because it is a day purposed for worship, community, sharing in the Word and breaking bread. there is just something about Jesus that gets me a-thinkin' and a-reflectin'. true story. i think it has something to do with the fact that i feel most loved on sundays. it is when i remind myself of my how i have been saved. and redeemed. and while i should very well be doing so each and every day, it doesn't always set in until the sabbath rolls around.

with that said, i have been thinking and feeling (yup, i can do both) a lot today.

it has just been one of those days where reality hits. and when i am reminded of my status. (in more ways than one). with such a reminder, comes a torrent of emotion and thought in both the positive and negative forms. an assault of questions really. and not just any questions, but life-questions, unanswered questions, and well, tough questions. you know the ones. they linger. they get asked over and over again. you ask. they ask. they are those questions with whom you have a love-hate relationship. ones you secretly hope will either be answered for you or you can forget and never be asked again. but then you get smacked in the face by reality and realize that they never go away and forever go unanswered. well, damn. and while i think it slightly inappropriate to use such a word on my blog and on sunday nonetheless, it is quite honestly how i feel about those questions...

and all the while i recognize that nature of said questions, i can't help but attempt to answer them. you know, try to plan, to predict, to figure it all about and remain in control. or you pretend like you have all the answers, that you have it all figured out, or that you have a plan. i do that. all to often really. i don't like to admit that i am not in control. or that i don't have a plan. or that my plan did not go accordingly. oh no. not me. no, no. i have a plan people. i am in control. i know how i am going to get from a to z. oh yes.

SMACK.

"jeffrey, you are silly. relax. stop being so prideful. you are not in control. I am. duh. why you trippin'? i gotcha. fret not my young lad. surrender. be content in the unknown. delight in the mystery. and be patient. and trust ME. i know the plans for you my son, plans to give you a future and a hope. calmate hijo!" - Jesus

sometimes i need to be smacked. often times really. i get all worked up. all worried and frazzled. all sorts of beside myself and i forget about the big picture and i forget that i am (as my friend Leslie signs every e-mail) in HIS grip. but on sundays, i remember, and it calms me. why? because i am in a place of surrender, or trust, faith and hope. now, if i could get myself in that sweet spot every day, i would be golden. any thoughts on how to actually do that would be MUCH appreciated oh you faithful readers you.

so i turn in tonight hoping that tomorrow brings with is some peace. and some clarity. and some faith. and i suppose if i can't muster up any of that, at least i can pray and try again the next day. and perhaps the day after that. and so on and so forth.

a silent hope.

so i thought i would share with you some of my writings from college from time to time. hope you enjoy. this one is from a paper i wrote for my Theories of Rhetoric & Communication course...

Turn off the music. Shut down the computer. Or turn off the television. Take a walk through the forest. Do not speak, but simply listen. Can you hear it? The silence? What does it reveal? What is it calling you to do? How do you respond? What power lies within the silence? What of silence in conversation? In moments of pain and heartache? How can we cultivate a silent hope?

I do not allow for silence enough or perhaps it is that I do not engage with or entertain the silence. I listen to music or I talk with my friends or even talk to myself. I too often neglect to “quiet down my busy mind to find a hiding place.” I think to some degree silence makes me uncomfortable, and I am not sure what to do with it. I suppose I am not alone here. We are cultured to think that silence is bad or awkward or just dead air because we live in a noisy and busy world. The silence is often polluted with this noise, with ceaseless talking and with little to no regard for its power. Thomas Merton writes, “it is the silence of the world that is real. Our noise, our business, our purposes and all our fatuous statements about our purposes, our business and our noise: these are an illusion” (257). The noise seems to overtake us and consume our very lives. We go about all our business in a noisy hurry and rarely simply stop and quiet our hearts, our minds, our lives. We seldom put forth the time and energy to “practice the quieter virtues” (to barrow a phrase from Greg Spencer). If the silence of the world is reality, then we must seek to reclaim that reality. We must learn to be silent. We must come to respect the power of the silence and appreciate the quiet. “When we no longer walk in the presence of the Lord, we cannot be living reminders of his divine presence in our lives” (Nouwen, 29). Christ dwells in the “secret and the quite place—in the stillness he is there.” We must meet him there. “After that we go forth to find Him in solitude. There we communicate with Him alone, without words, without discursive thoughts, in the silence of our whole being” (Merton, 254).

There seems to be a beautiful and interesting connection between silence and hope. “If we fill our lives with silence, then we live in hope, and Christ lives in us and gives our virtues much substance” (Merton, 259). In order to live in hope, we must also live in silence. Let us consider hope in some more depth. Hope. Seems like such a simple word, yet in the four letters lies an immensity of meaning and significance. Hope is strongly connected to others. We must have hope in others and that hope empowers those around us. For, “our tongues are the keys that open heaven to others” (Merton, 254). It means being able to find a glimmer of hope in someone, something, and in ourselves that we are worthy and are His beloved. It is fully and whole-heartedly believing that He who began a good work in us will be faithful to complete it. That no matter how discouraged, unworthy, and insignificant we feel, He will finish the work that He has started in us. Yet it is so easy to let the world and others stifle that hope. We can so easily ‘stuck’. But the wonderful thing is that this hope can and will be restored. Because not only do we have a hope in the present but we also have a hope of an eternal future in Christ. I am reminded of the lyrics to the Avalon song “In A Different Light.”

Don't cry for me
No, I've never been one to shoulder the weight of the world
'Cause I believe
This is here and it's now, but it's not my home
There's a hope beyond what my eyes can see
And there's a place that He's preparing for me

Don't be afraid
Of the twists and the turns of the road that we're on, just believe
There'll come a day
When our faith turns to sight, and we'll see His face
While we're here the heartache's hard to ignore
So for now, we'll keep our eyes on the Lord

Knowing that everything is going to be alright in my eternal life seems to dim the despair of failure and allows for me to see things in a “different way, in a different light.” We must keep our eyes on Jesus and remember the beautiful promise of hope we have from our Lord.

Silence is often required in conversation. If we are to listen, we must first be silent—this is the case in both our conversations with God and with others. Sometimes people need us to simply listen, let them vent, get it out or tell their story. All too often people do not have anyone who just listens. Stories go untold, lives go unshared and conflicts go unresolved all as a result of a lack of silence. “Storytelling is as much for an other as it is for oneself” (Frank, 19). Stories must be told and heard.

Silence has power in moments of pain, heartache and tragedy. One of my friends from high school was killed after she went missing in a snowstorm nearly two years ago. It was one of the most painful moments in my life when I heard that her body had been found—that meant that she had actually died and there was no longer anymore hope for survival. It was over. I had hope that she would be found alive, but now it was gone, non-exist. There were no words to be said—just tears to be cried and weeping family and friends to be held. Silence. It was a cold yet warm silence—a silence pregnant with confusion, pain, hurt, agony yet with faith, love and a glimmer of hope. Hope for what? Well, perhaps it was an unsaid hope that something good could come out of this trying situation and somehow God would be glorified. I cannot say that I myself had that glimmer of hope in the moment or for many weeks afterward. I wanted to, but I was too paralyzed, too exhausted, too frozen. The silence was what I needed—what we all needed. All that we could do is let the silence be and let the quiet calm our hearts and minds. We had to give the silence the space to heal, to mend the wounds, and to revive our hope in an eternal future. We had to be still and know that he was God.

Works Cited:

Frank, Arthur W. The Wounded Storyteller: Body, Illness, and Ethics. Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1995.

Merton, Thomas. No Man Is An Island. New York: Harcourt, 1983.

Nouwen, Henri J.M. The Living Reminder. San Francisco: Harper Collins Publishers, 1977.

captain jack sparrow.

i feel like captain jack sparrow. you know, the scene where he valiantly sails into Port Royal for the first time. and he looks so brave and pirate-esque standing up on the mast. then the camera zooms out and his ship is not much of ship, and it is sinking to boot. but he steps onto the dock with confidence. as if he belonged there. with a sense of entitlement. then the keeper of the dock tells him it is a shilling to tie up his boat. and he will need his name. jack looks at his pathetic sunken boat and offers three shillings to avoid giving his name...

i like his confidence and cleverness. haha. (remember that he then steals the dock-keepers bag of coins). i like that no matter how much he feels out of place or how much people are looking at him, he steps on that dock sure of who he is and of his purpose in Port Royal. sure his boat is underwater and useless, but he will find a way to get back on the high sea. and we know he does. he's captain jack sparrow after all.

i am like jack. i have sailed into port for a purpose, with intentions, goals and aspirations. i have arrived with confidence and with my head held high despite the looks of my "ship." it has been interesting moving home. that is for sure. in some ways i feel like i have to pay a shilling to tie up my boat. and that people will look at me like "what the hell? what is he doing back?" i feel like they think my ship has sunk and coming home is my last resort, and that i have hit rock bottom. and it is almost like my home is not my home. i feel like an outsider. an intruder. a pirate. weird i know. ironic indeed. but there is an odd sense about, a strange wind. i hope it will pass. soon.

i wish i did not care so much about what people think. grr. i bother myself sometimes. but in small town, their are always eyes a-watchin', people talkin' and opinions circulatin'. i am confident in my decision to move home. i know what i can handle and i know that if i approach this season in such a way, that i will come away with a bigger, better and faster ship. i might have to commandeer it, but hey, you do what you got to do, eh? haha. no, no. i will find a more appropriate way to get me such a sea-faring vessel. hmm. i better get to work. because i can already sense that this captain needs the wind and spray of the see in his face.

i know, i know the nautical metaphors are a bit too much at times, but i can't resist. they work for me! :)

you've got a friend in me.

ever realize that the people who are most important and present in your life are the ones you don't pay enough attention to. or put enough effort forth to care for them or encourage them. or remind them of why it is that you love them? do you ever need a reminder of their incredible-ness, amazing-ness, unique-ness? ever just need to take a moment and think about it?

i have been doing this a lot lately. i suppose it comes with transitioning out of the college life and realizing that i have to choose which relationships need to be sustained. it is a tough negotiation. i think we are often afraid of letting people go, or moving on, or starting something new. we are not trained to think of relationships as seasonal. perhaps this reality scares us, makes us feel as though the relationships are not deep and or real or even Godly. we get so caught up in creating life-long friendships that we forget that there are seasons, changes, springs and winters. we don't like endings. and forget that an ending is also a beginning. we say goodbye only to say hello. people come in and out of our lives if but for a moment. and we do the same in the lives of others. need we worry and fuss over making every relationship life-long? should we not realize and celebrate the potential to have meaningful, intentional and God-ordained relationships with people we meet at a gas station? yes perhaps the encounters are infrequent and ephemeral. but they can be real and purposed indeed. i realize that while i love, value, appreciate and respect many of my peers and friends from college that were are now in different places, doing different things, communing with different people. this is okay. it's normal and quite expected. we can still affirm those relationships and recognize the contributions those individuals made to our lives and thank them for it. but we can move on, say goodbye, and pray a blessing over their lives. go well my friend! anyone have any thoughts on this matter? comment away...

but then there are those people who you know you cannot live without. the people who will be in your wedding or at your new year's party. the people who become your God-parents or honorary aunts and uncles. the people with whom you vacation and swap the joys and woes of child-rearing. the friends who you call when you get the new job or when you need someone to listen, to hold, to pray. those are the people with whom the friendship is life-long. you know this. and they know it.

brent. he is one of those people. he is my best friend, my boy, my go-to-guy. he is the type of guy i can call after months of not talking and converse to for hours. no matter how long it had been. we just pick up right were we left off. sure we have grown and changed, matured and learned. but we know that no matter what, we will always be buds. i love the security of that. and the mutual commitment we both have to maintaining our friendship. brent is one of the most humble, genuine, and real dudes i know. he is honest, supportive, encouraging and simply loyal. now matter what. he makes people around him comfortable in who they are. he puts them at ease and makes them roll on the ground with laughter. i love this man. he is a incredible friend, loving son, and faithful brother in Christ. i am blessed to have him in my life and honored to call him my best friend.

friendships take work. they take time and commitment, prayers and honesty. they require trust and faith and a willingness to give of oneself, to sacrifice.

thinking.

i am thinking again. this is good i suppose. for the last few months i found my mind quieted and not as thoughtful as it normally is. not sure why. but nonetheless, that's the case. but randomly, i started thinking again. reflecting. processing. writing. i think there are several things that spurred this on. namely, liane. she is one of my besties and she is so thoughtful and brilliant. and she writes wonderful reflections and stories on a weekly if not daily basis on her blog. (you should, for sure, check it out here). she has in part revived my thoughts. she does that. 

and then there is lauren. one of my housemates and besties. she and i conversed into the wee morning hours last night. we talked about relationships, changes, frustrations, struggles, growing-up, graduation, work, play, church, romance, singleness, love, belonging, desire, and more. it was a rich and rewarding conversation. and this too reminded me of the need for thought and reflection and really, of thoughtful reflection. and of the importance of writing. and of conversing and having heart-to-hearts as we Westmonters call them.

i was also reminded of how incredible people are. humans. we are fascinating. aren't we? each of us so complex, so unique, so beautiful. i began to think about the people in my life and how amazing they are in their own unique and profound ways. i appreciate and love them for their uniqueness. i trip out when i think about how incredible they are and how honored and blessed i am to have them in my life. seriously think about that for moment. think of the people around you and the wonderful blessing of sharing your life with them. mind-blowing, eh? we as humans long to be together, to be in community, to share our lives together. it is innate. part of our genes, our fiber, our essence. how cool is that? 

keenie and i were trippin' last night about how we spent four years of our lives with such incredible people right there with us. people who taught us, prayed with us, laughed and cried with us. we are so blessed. immeasurably. so, i thought that each week i would tell you about one of the people in my life. and share with you a piece of their beauty and well, awesomeness. 

one wild and precious life.

i feel like such a grown-up these days. i get excited when the spices are on sale at vons. or when i see a cool piece of furniture. i watch rachel ray on a daily basis and try to glean from her cooking genius and wisdom. it works sometimes. i love the thrill of trying out that new recipe. i walk the aisles of vons as a sort of theraputical retreat after a long day of work. the checkers know me by now. i come home cook dinner, watch rachel ray and then go to bed at 10:30. my friends called me the viejito (the old little man). haha. sometimes i feel like it. the days of back-to-back nights on the town and late nights laughing and chatting are now far and few. i find myself already saying, "those were the days". or "back in my college years." even though back then is only a month ago. its nearness almost gives it a sense of far-ness. distance. and history. i longed to be done, finished. to move-on and get-out. i was itching to grow-up, to become a real live adult.

there is something strangely satisfying about living on my own, and cooking my own dinners, and paying my own bills. i find myself feeling a sense of pride and accomplishment. i am making it. and am happy. i like that. yet at the same time this life satisfies, i miss the security and consistency of home, of Westmont, of my family. i enjoyed those college years of playfulness and adventure, of sunburns and dance parties, of study groups and d.c. meals. and now all those times, those memories, seem so far-removed, so...historical, so never-more. those people aren't with me any more. those venues of community and relationship are on the hill. those moments are not daily in the same ways they used to be.

things are different. and i like it. in fact, i find myself loving it. but i can't help but miss the life that was. i guess that is normal. and warranted. i admit it. it is tough. but i suppose this is part of, um, growing-up. we have to face new challenges, develop new friendships, create new moments, and ways to live our lives well.

"tell me, what is it you are going to do with your one wild and precious life?" - mary oliver. well today, mary, i am going to reflect on years bygone and cook aunt lisa's tortilla soup.

p.s. here are those promised photos from graduation.

on the other side.

confession: i have always secretly wanted to be a model. but i thought, i didn't have it in me. so i become a photographer instead so i don't ever get on the other side of the lens and have no pics of myself. then there was ashley lacosse. an amazing and incredibly talented photograph from brooks...we did a shoot yesterday at a vintage, abandoned cafe. it was so much fun. and really, i liked modeling. it was fun. and well, different. and i love making new friends. so it was a good day. AND then, i got the images from ash, and i am even more excited. here are a few favs.